


First Time (Broken)

by gunpowderandsunshine



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Don’t hate me, Ian is an asshole, I’m sorry, M/M, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 10:21:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15839280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunpowderandsunshine/pseuds/gunpowderandsunshine
Summary: just some word vomit that does not at all reflect my actual feelings for Ian or his thought processes.....





	First Time (Broken)

**Author's Note:**

> just some word vomit that does not at all reflect my actual feelings for Ian or his thought processes.....

Ian can’t remember the first time he knew that he was in love with Mickey Milkovich. He knew he was infatuated early on, back in those early days when Mickey would show up at the Kash & Grab already prepped and ready to fuck.

He didn’t need to see the look on his own face to know he was smitten. But he wasn’t in love. Not yet.

He thinks he probably knew he was in love around the second time Mickey went to juvie. Likes to think that part of the reason Mickey didn’t kill Frank was for him, even if Mickey had always insisted that had nothing to do with it.

By the time Mickey was out and came looking for him under the bleachers (although Mickey insists that had nothing to do with him either), Ian was absolutely sure he loved him. And if he hadn’t been, the way his breath caught and his heart stopped beating for a split second would’ve been enough to convince him.

He does, however, remember the first time Mickey broke his heart. If people were privy to the inner workings of his mind they would probably think it was when Mickey told him he was just a warm mouth, or maybe when he wouldn’t admit he loved him and beat the shit out of him. Neither of those were it. Those were just cracks in the foundation.

What finally broke his heart was watching Mickey hold hands with that fucking Russian whore and say ‘I do.’ That was it. That was the moment everything broke.

Because if Ian was being honest, that’s probably the moment everything in his head went a little off kilter too. But he’s not being honest, not about that.

Sometimes when he first wakes up, he knows something isn’t right- he’s not right- but he figures it’s just all the drugs he keeps taking so he can keep making money. A sober, sensible Ian wouldn’t keep doing this. Wouldn’t let all these men touch him and use him, not when the only touch he craves is Mickey’s.

But he doesn’t want to think about Mickey. Thinking about Mickey makes him feel broken and abandoned and alone. So he does another line or he pops another pill and he lets it all fade away.

It works for months.

He crashes with Ned for awhile because he doesn’t ask any questions and he’s always up for a party. Until he’s not. But that’s okay because he runs into Monica and that’s even better because they have so much fun while she’s around. He doesn’t remember any of it really, just the feeling that it was good. They had good times. And then she’s gone again. He doesn’t know if he knows where she went or even how long she’s been gone.

And he keeps squatting in this hovel with this crazy old lady and he keeps dancing and fucking and doing drugs and getting paid and the lucid moments- the ones where he really feels like himself, well they come less and less but that’s okay too because these men want him. They make him feel less alone, less broken. Even if it’s only for a night, he feels whole again and he’ll chase that feeling as long as he’s able.

And then one day it’s different.

He doesn’t know how he got there, but he knows where he is without even opening his eyes. He’s spent enough time there with Mandy over the years to know the sounds and smells of the Milkovich house. And he’d definitely spent more than enough time just breathing Mickey in to know that’s his pillow under his head.

He still doesn’t know how he got there. He vaguely recalls Mickey at the club- had that been last night? had he really danced for him?- telling him some shit about his family. But he doesn’t have time to process it because when he opens his eyes, there she is. That fucking whore. So pregnant with Mickey’s child she’s about to explode. The woman he’s pretty sure he hates more than any other person on the planet. Maybe even more than Terry. Okay, maybe not that much but like a lot a lot.

If he was himself, he’d know it’s not her fault. He’d understand that she didn’t have a choice either. But he’s not himself and when she’s standing there, threatening to kill him when all he wants to do is take a shower, all he can think and feel is broken. She’s the reason he’s broken. She got everything in the world he ever wanted and he can’t see past it. Can’t see that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows for her either.

He doesn't really mean to go home. It's just he's in the neighborhood and his feet just kind of carry him there. And it’s good. Fiona is happy to see him and she feeds him and he’s feeling good, running on all cylinders. Ideas are flowing and he can’t believe he’s never thought of all this stuff. He has so many plans, so many things he wants to do. And he can do it all, he could start now if he wants to and accomplish so much but he has to keep writing right now.

He has to get it all out of his head. Write first, then act. And there’s so much to write he can’t even really focus on Mickey when he barges in, or even on his other siblings when they show up. He knows he carries on a conversation and that they, just like Fiona, are happy to see him. But he couldn’t really tell you what they were talking about, not when there’s so many fantastic ideas spilling out of his head and he has to get them all down before he loses even a single one of them.

Eventually the fact that Mickey is still there, staring at him, trying to get him to talk actually cuts through everything else and he tries to focus on the man before him. The man he loves with everything good left in him. But Ian’s not sure there’s much good left, not much love either, not when he’s broken. Not when this is the man that broke him.

And as Mickey falls to his knees in front of him and Ian finds himself engulfed in warm wet heat the best plan he’s had all day comes to him.

One day, when Mickey least expects it, he’ll break him too. 

**Author's Note:**

> say hi on twitter if you want @gnpwdrnsnshine


End file.
